The following are excerpts of on-going email updates from 1998 to 2000 from Phil and Gina's cancer journey.
Click to read Part I, Part II, Part III, Part V, Parts VI and VII
Hey Friends,
Phil had what's called a "barium swallow" to check for any remaining traces of the tumor yesterday. The radiologist still sees something there.
To us, this now represents a change in prayer focus. We have been asking you all to stand in faith with us to pray for the miracle of no surgery. But from these test results, it seems that surgery is inevitable. While we know that God can do anything, and test results can change, this feels like a heads-up from Him that we need to prepare our hearts for surgery.
This Tuesday, September 8 Phil has an abdominal and chest CT scan, and we are both scheduled to see the surgeon on Friday the 11th to discuss what surgery will look like for each of us. At that time we'll have a better time-table.
While we are disappointed with the results of this barium swallow, we also know that God's grace is sufficient for us. And whatever we have to endure, He'll be there every second of the way. AND, we know that your faithful prayers will follow us into surgery and beyond. This is all a great comfort -- words fail us to tell just how much you all have come to mean to us. We appreciate and love you deeply. With a full heart.
Dear Friends,
Thank you for all your steadfast prayers. We need them now more than ever.
Our meeting with the surgeon yesterday was difficult. There is a piece of good news in that the tumor in Phil's stomach reduced by 70%. The part of the tumor that travelled into his esophagus however remains unchanged. This translates into the certain need for surgery. He did assure Phil that he would only take out as much as he needs to. It's all down to what Dr. Goodman sees when he's inside. There are some uncertainties. I'll try to explain...
There is a "suspicious" spot on Phil's liver. Although the liver scan came back negative for cancer, this could still be a malignant leision. The doctor's hunch is that it is simply a vascular, benign growth -- kind of like the red moles that grow on skin. We of course hope that's all it is. But you guys need to understand -- for the sake of how you pray -- the concern this raises in me particularly. (I do have to say, that Phil's outlook is quite positive and is simply looking forward to just getting it all over with!) Many of you have walked with us in this from day one, so you know the history of disappointing news we've had to face time and time again. So when you pray, don't assume this spot on Phil's liver is nothing. Please go after it aggressively and tenaciously in prayer.
The surgery itself for Phil is intensely complicated, with numerous reconnections. The stomach and esophagus "heal poorly" according to the surgeon, so this too will be a prayer focus: 1) that Phil would make it through the surgery, and 2) that the high possibility of some type of post-surgical complications will all come to nothing, but a speedy recovery which defies the norms! Phil will be in the hospital for a week minimum, and full recovery takes about 6 weeks. There is also a radical adjustment he'll need to make in regard to eating again.
For me, the status of things has drastically changed. Instead of the malignant cell clusters being localized as previously believed, there is a third area that is far away from the other 2. What this means is a lumpectomy is no longer an option. I'm now facing a mastectomy -- probably within the next week or so. If I do have the mastectomy, I'll need no further treatment afterwards. I am going in for a biopsy of that 3rd area prior to surgery. I go for one reason only -- to see if there is anything there after all the prayer I've received. If anything at all is still there, I will stop the procedure and prepare for the mastectomy. So for me, it's all or nothing. Please pray this way, and that God would prepare my heart.
Please continue to pray for our children -- especially the girls. There is understandable concern about their medical futures, with the generational problem breast cancer has been in my family. We desperately want God to sever them from that potential destiny. Also, this is a difficult time for all of them with both parents heading back to the hospital. Our 13-yr-old girl has been having a hard time paying attention in school. The whole thing is such a rude intrusion into their little lives.
So, once again, dear friends in the faith -- thank you, thank you, thank you..........We will let you know the dates of surgeries, etc. when we get them on Monday. God's richest blessings on each of your lives.
Dear Friends,
Just wanted to let you know the "schedule of events" as they will unfold over the next few weeks.
I have a biopsy on the 3rd area of microcalcification on September 18th at 8:45 I have surgery on September 28th at 12:45 Phil has surgery on October 8th at 9:00 am
I have decided to go through with the biopsy. Please pray for a definitive negative result -- that is absolutely no malignancy! Even better -- pray for no evidence of cancer anywhere! We'll let you know the results as soon as we can.
Talk to you all soon.
Dear John Paul,
It was so good to see you in Amherst. In the midst of everything that's been going on in our lives it was a great comfort to see you. I had just been bucking and wrestling with God for the previous 4 weeks, and finally reached a place of peace in repentance. I was feeling very much like the prodigal who had returned and your greeting was so warm -- like the prodigal's father. Thank you for your love and fatherly concern. It was very healing for me.
The days continue to get even more difficult. When the doctors first found the cancer in me, they thought it was contained and easily removed with a lumpectomy. After a few weeks now, there is evidence of some level of invasion, and it is in three areas of my right breast so they want to do a mastectomy. If that wasn't bad enough, if they find it in the lymph nodes, it means chemotherapy too.
Phil's situation is also uncertain until the day of surgery. There is that spot on his liver that may indicate cancer has spread. His esophagus is questionable. The doctor said that if the cancer has spread to any area he can't resect, he'll abort the procedure completely, and it's just a matter of time.
There is no doubt this is the most difficult thing we've ever had to endure, but I find myself appalled at my own lack of faith. I can't find God anywhere John Paul. Even in worship at best I glance upon Him. Surely this is the "dark night of the soul." When I look at what's before us, all the uncertainly of Phil's condition, and the emotional recovery it will be for me with my surgery, I'm afraid I won't make it. I'm not making a choice to give up, but I honestly don't know if I have the where-with-all to go on. I'm not prone to depression, but everything looks so dark. I don't know if God is being quiet, or if I just can't hear Him through my own emotions. One moment I'm overwhelmed with the privilege of entering into suffering like Jesus, and the next moment, I'm an angry, depressed mess! I know there's not really a good way to go through hell. I know there is a "joy set before us," but none of that helps us face the coming weeks. My surgery is Sept. 28th, and Phil's is Oct. 8th. Our lives will be forever altered, and I wonder -- "what for." I pray that somehow through it all we'll be conformed to the image of Jesus, but it's such a weak faith John Paul.
So, I write to you as a daughter to her father -- for advice, for encouragement, or whatever else you may have. I also write to you as you are one who has suffered and been crushed. You've been here JP. What do you think?
Then I wonder what is going on spiritually around us. My daughter had two dreams of a beast coming to our house -- one before Phil was diagnosed, and the other before I was diagnosed. In the second one, the beast was calling my name. She didn't know we were even sick in both cases. How do we fight this fight?
I know this is a lot John Paul. I really wish we could sit down in a quiet place and talk it all through. (I did have a dream that Phil and I were sitting in your living room!) But I know time and life as it is relegates us to shorter communications. If you can, let me know what you think -- OK?
I continue to pray for your physical stamina, deep clarity of vision and specifics to implement all God has called you to, and all the supporting details to make it happen -- and for lots of students! Hope you are well.
Dear Friends,
This may be my last personal update for a while. Of course I will make sure you hear at some point how it all goes.
As you can well imagine, this has been a difficult time for Phil and I -- clearly the most intense of our lives. Yet, there is a hope that remains, and the testimonies of countless others who have made it through things worse than our situation, that there is "gold" that will come of this. Still, there is a darkness around us that leaves us grieved and broken. But we set our faces toward what comes next with all the faith we have, hoping it will be enough. You have heard us talk about exploring life with God as a wild frontier -- our crazy prayers are being answered! We're going deep...
With that, I ask for a specific prayer focus -- simply that we will have strength to meet the challenges ahead -- that through it all we will be conformed into the image of Jesus -- that we will have enough faith and grace to be standing when it is all said and done.
We have gone through a wild progression through this trial -- first trying to change it, run from it -- make it go away. We've asked you to pray with us for a miracle. Now we are certain God has a plan, and part of it means going THROUGH the mountain, not around it. This is a prime opportunity -- perhaps of our lives -- to really touch Jesus. Yet we recognize we could easily choose a lesser path. Pray we don't miss the narrow path before us -- the one of God's design. Above the miracle of healing, this is what we want.
I continue to marvel at your compassion toward us. I know the helplessness of being a witness to pain, but having no power to change it. That you even continue to read the updates is a testimony of friendship, deep love and personal sacrifice. Know that your prayers are a deep source of comfort, and are worth more than gold to us. You are doing a great thing for our whole family, and I sense the delight of God in your diligence and love. Remember our kids. Bless you all from the deepest places in our hearts.
Hey my dear friend --
Just to respond to your questions --
1) The biopsy was grace-filled, but the results showed it was cancerous, but contained. So, the plan is the same, mastectomy and first stages of reconstruction on Monday.
Phil and I met with the plastic surgeon today, and are confident of our choice of doctors and procedures. We are both reassured.
2) My heart is OK. I'm a bit on the anti-social side. Something gave way in me the last Sunday I led worship. I couldn't go 5 paces without someone grabbing me to talk, so I was fried by the end of the day. Since then, I haven't gotten it back. I think I have a fragile reserve of emotional where-with-all, so I need to be careful to give it to Phil and the kids first -- and keep some for myself!
3) I'm definitely anxious about the surgery. I haven't really slept since Friday night, but last night was the worst. At one point, I remember actually grabbing my breast and exclaiming something like, "My God, they're actually going to do it!" So reality is clearly crashing in.
4) Joel is increasingly vocal about the fact he is dreading my going into the hospital. Jamie has been sad, but able to talk about it. Rachel has been more vocal than ever, and I've even shared some laughs with her about the absurdity of what's happening. Matt is kind of oblivious. Ahh -- ignorance IS bliss!
I've been greatly comforted by Brennan Manning "The Signature of Jesus," especially the chapter called 'celebrate the darkness.' There is a great tape someone sent us by a pastor named David Jeremiah that was encouraging to listen to -- great perspective. I've prayed so long for God to change these dreadful circumstances. I need a little more time to shift gears and pray for more grace and faith to go through it now.
All in all, while I am fairly anxious, I've had a lot of grace to be where I am. I can sense the love of God at the most unlikely times. I'm not riding myself for not going through this by some pre-set standard I may have originally come in with -- I feel very unconventional in the things I find myself believing, but lo and behold as I read scripture now in this dark place, they are right things to believe. It's all new -- truly the Wild Frontier. It is the answer to my prayers. I need to live there now. I don't feel much like a warrior, but like a weak woman with a face of steel toward all God -- looking hard for Him. I'm keenly aware of my desperate need of Him.
With that my friend, I go to bed -- sipping my wine. Pray I can sleep. Pray for peace to replace all that anxiety. Pray for the kids to not be overtaken by fear. Pray for all to go extremely well during surgery. Pray God will accomplish every ounce He purposed for our illnesses. Pray for grace for Phil and I to endure to the end. Pray we choose the high road. I love you.
Hey my friend,
It's funny how far a person can come in beliefs, but mine have changed significantly regarding all that's been going on with me and Phil. You asked, "For what possible reason does it take for God - the God of comfort, mercy and healing - to stand silent, and refuse to give mercy. I'm waiting for that reason Gina!" Well, I have my answer...
The other morning I was worshipping, and realized two things. One was that this thing is from God. As long as I was believing it was from the enemy, I felt unsafe, violated and questioned foundational beliefs I've had like -- Does God see? Does He care? Is He strong? Can He save? Where is this thing called 'mercy'? and on and on. But the minute I began to see that life happens in this fallen world, I also began to see God's mercy.
"It pleased the Father to bruise Him," is the state of God's heart when Jesus went to the cross -- "for the joy set before Him." But He "despised the cross, scorning the shame." All at once I felt the heart motivation of love in God. He was hating the pain all this has been to us, and the shame it released, BUT He loves what it's going to produce in us. If there was some other way than the cross for Jesus, God would've done things differently. But this is the best way. As masochistic as it may sound, I believe this is God's best for me right now. I believe the things I will gain from this will far outweigh the pain. I believe in God's ways are perfect, and this is a way He has chosen for me. This is the answer to my prayers -- I am standing at the very edge of a wild, undiscovered country and I'm about to go in. His mercy is revealed in that I would never have chosen this on my own for fear of the pain. But God is bigger than the pain, and there is something greater beyond it. So He chose for me. And I'm grateful for it because this is one of God's greatest gifts to me.
I told you I was believing "unconventional" things. But I believe this with all my heart. I have the peace that passes understanding, and even a sense of adventure as I go to the hospital in a few hours. Pray I can grieve well, and completely, and not try to short myself there. When it's time, there will be joy. But for now, with grace I leap into a great unknown, to the waiting arms of Jesus. I love you with all my heart.
Back to TopClick to read Part I, Part II, Part III, Part V, Parts VI and VII